Dive Boy
it's an attitude thing

Text by: Mark Brill

'Have you ever noticed', said Louise 'how much of the teckie dive gear looks like a great big willie? Makes you wonder about the sort blokes who take up diving.'
'Can't say I've noticed', I said, trying to deny it.
'Bollocks. Just flick through any diving magazine and you'll see enough phallic symbols to give a Freudian a field day.'
'I think you're over-reacting' I told her 'the manufacturers have to make things in a shape thats comfortable to fit into your hand - that's why things are shaped like that. It's scientific.'
But I could see she wasn't impressed.
'It's not scientific at all - who wants to be diving around with their hands full? If things were designed to fit their purpose then dive gear would be small, and easy to stuff out of the way or designed to clip on somewhere. Look at those console things - they're completely stupid'
'What do you mean?' I asked. 'Whats wrong with having all your instruments together?'
'Yea but why have a huge clunky blob dangling on the end of a hose? If you need to be able to look at it, it should worn close where you can see it at a glance, the shape is totally impractical'
I had to concede 'Ok, maybe you've got a point. But perhaps Dive Girl should try to redress the balance a bit. Maybe you should design some dive kit in the shape of female genitalia.'
So Louise hit me ...

The Dive Boy Guide to diving knobs

Appearance?
Well you've certainly led a very sheltered life if you don't know what a penis looks like. But when it comes to phallic shaped kit in the tech world ­ size matters.
Why have pissy little twin 12ltr cylinders, when you can have great big 20ltr ones? Why have a little stubby tow-along scooter, when you can straddle an enormous throbbing Aquazepp?
But what's the attraction? Do they think they're going to pull the birds with one of them, or are they just compensating for a lack in other areas?
I doubt that very much. The torpedo type scooters are especially popular with cave divers, and as far as I know, no one has ever gone into the sport as a way of meeting women. Getting away from women seems to be a more likely reason.
Big scooters is one thing, but surely its not about size. Its what you do with it that counts?
You'd think so, but what seems to be more important is what your equipment is called. Its all very well looking phallic, but to really emphasize the point it also needs a butch sounding name. Like Vyper, Predator, Cobra and erm... Penetrator.
Penetrator? Wasn't that one of the Gladiators?
Nope. Its a Custom Diver's torch - long, thin and shiny.
Yeah, but if you really want something penis shaped, what about the 'Never Lost'? You wouldn't want to meet that on a dark night.
Oh yes, very phallic looking. But it definitely loses points on the name. Needs to be something more kind of 'thrusting'.
How about the 'Never Scored'?
Appropriate, but not likely to make it a million seller. And the other problem with it is that it just hangs there doing nothing. If you want to win the penis substitute prize, you've got to have something you can fiddle with continuously. Take knob extensions, for example.
Knob extensions? Now I know you're just making it up
No, I'm serious. Some of the teckie boys are really into remote knobs (long extensions that allows them to turn off their gas supply, remotely). They generally keep them stuffed under their arm where they can fiddle with them discretely. One bloke I know fiddled with his so much it fell off.
All this penis talk is making me feel a bit queasy. I think I'm coming round to the idea of dive kit designed to look like female genitalia. But I don't think it'd ever take off. Think about it... no matter how many times you might show them around the kit blokes still wouldn't be able to find the button to turn it on.